Missing

I feel like I’ve been missing out on a lot. But not in the literal sense, more of just a life-generality sense. Not being shoved into a four year college structure has left me with a lot of freedom that I’ve abused and come to enjoy. I don’t know what I want to do. And I hate telling people that. But I mean, “It’s okay, you’re young!” I don’t know about that one either, haha. No high-paying careers interest me. Jobs look like jobs. I don’t like it.

It’s building inside; the lack of focus on school makes me focus on other things. Mainly relationships. With people. I should be talking to someone, when I’m not. I wish I would’ve never talked to someone, but I am, and still do, everyday. I should be accepting and caring more for someone, but I’m apathetic, and it’s just black and white right now. I should should should could could could would would would but it’s just that. I really hate this feeling, and want it to go away. No, it’s not freakin’ depression, and I’m not having depressive feelings. It’s just apathy towards affection. It’s come to realization when my friend let it slip the other day, and has been sticking to me since.

And I hate putting on a show for people, that’s why I want to leave. But I can’t. I’m stuck. I’m stuck because I don’t know what I want to do.

It always wasn’t like this. I once thought I had a plan for what to do. Or at least where I could go. You know that song Lean on Me? I thought I found someone, that I could, you know, lean on. But it was just a one-sided ploy. If I could be dropped like that.. I was being played and used.

And I just got really demotivated and side-tracked from writing/finishing this. What else is new though?

~ by diagas on May 11, 2009.